Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
can’t catch a break
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
peak technology
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.