My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
happy valentine’s day to me
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Hey I worked for it too!
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag