My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?