I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You Might Also Like
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.