Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
thank god the sign was there
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!