Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.