I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer