On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist