Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone