I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?