Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*