Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.