Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again