Lmfao
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!