Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“How’s your day going?”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”