*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
What kind of a cult is this?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should