When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?