If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I am also baked goods
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.