Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You Might Also Like
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?