How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I don’t get marriage
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber