just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.