me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.