*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You Might Also Like
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.