Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”