If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick