I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I think they could have phrased this better
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there