Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.