My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably