This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When you’re Kinky but poor
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
everyone has that one prude friend
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve