God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.