My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
😂💯
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles