Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.