Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section