one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
man: wait
time: no
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If looks could kill
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*