There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.