This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Yup….perfect score!
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
couldn’t resist
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle