Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.