If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My favorite female superhero
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
No laws when master is gone
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?