[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
excuse me
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
very niche meme I made
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs