A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
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Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.