Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?