God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Dammit Chief not again
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I don’t make the rules sorry
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.