My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
crochet youtube is brutal