My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I want to meet the individual who made this
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy