Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You Might Also Like
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets