Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You Might Also Like
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Breaking news:
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear