The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Employees must applaud the planets.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
this FaceApp is creepy af
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?