My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Matt Goss
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart