Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb