Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.